Heart thoughts and fears.?

So basically, I just realized that I keep giving everyone the info to all of my blogs. I really don't know why, except that I want them to be able to find more about my Africa plans. But then part of me feels like man, I don't know where to put my thoughts now.

I've been thinking a lot about Africa lately. ha, actually I have thought about it probably hourly since May, and at least many times a day since February. I bought my plane ticket today. basically, I borrowed half the money. But I feel like the money will just come in. I hope that was alright. I am not really a "borrowing" kind of person. oh well.

Anyway, all this buying plane tickets and sending in for visas is making everything real. This thing I have thought about for who knows how many months is finally actually coming to pass, and all of a sudden I don't actually know what I am on this path for. I mean, I am excited and I know God has amazing things in store for me, but I don't know exactly what that is. I feel like it's the beginning of more amazing things in life. but then again I have no idea what that looks like. I have fears. but not the kind most people have. honestly I no longer fear so much things like dying in a plane crash, or being beat up by bandits, or having witch doctors throw stones at me, or even other things like being chased by lions. though all of these things could be scary in the moment, I feel like the Lord has my back on the dangers of this world. I fear more the emotional things. How I will be with certain things. seeing people die (esp. children) is not something I handle very well. I still sometimes cry when I think about Travis. But there, death is almost a part of life. every person in Africa has had loved ones die. and sometimes their whole family. I fear seeing so much sickness. so much poverty, and so many people going with out food. or clean water. Who will I be when I return? Will I have the same heart to love people tenderly, or will it have grown cold? Also, will I be able to give like I hope to while I am there, or will my heart hurt too much to put everything into it? How did the Jesus do it? I bet his heart was broken constantly. yet he was able to give his all. I don't understand, I hope I will.

How does God look down at everything? I had a vision last week of many people like it was a view looking down on a subway and thousands of people walked by. it was in fast forward. and in that it was like God cared for every one of those people. the next clip of that was of those same people being prayed for. and all of them worshiping God. Hearts were being changed by the thousands. I want to see that happen. All of this is so heavy to me.

I guess I fear not only who I will be there, but who I will become while there. who will I be when I return? and where is God taking me? so much of me would love to travel the world, and just live in 3rd world countries as a missionary forever. and honestly working for God I think would be the more life fulfilling thing ever. but then I wonder if I would rather do that from the states. I mean the US is in so much need. And God maybe just wants me here anyway. and then I fear (and this is my deepest fear) falling in love with someone. Not necessarily in Mozambique. but anytime in the near future. I say I probably won't get married until I am like 30. but really I think that is just out of fear of the whole idea. I want to live for God fully. and to be doing exactly what he would call me to do, will all my heart in it. but if I were married, (And not that I wouldn't marry someone I felt brought me closer to God, and had similar callings etc...) I wonder if I would still want to give my all. and if so, would it be a constant fight with my husband and I to follow the Lord. because I assure you it's a constant fight with in myself to be able to stand up for what I feel led to do when everyone around me treats me differently depending. like my family is excited for me one minute and the next they are telling me that they are going to be a wreck with me gone. or the other fun one is getting asked 1000 times a week what's going to happen if all my money doesn't come it. Or when half my friends tell me that are excited I am going but that I better come back.

I truly don't know where I will be going next. I hope if it's back here, it's still on a great adventure. anyway, the whole spouse thing is scary, because one is supposed to give themselves to their spouse. but will God call a person to less so that he can call the other one to more? Maybe I fear having to give up who I am and who I desire to be for God because women are supposed to follow. etc... and when I think about that I think, maybe I should never marry, but then I feel sad about that idea.

I think these are just things God is going to have to work in my heart. I also don't want to deal with falling in love and giving myself /heart to anymore people that aren't going to be there forever. and maybe that is selfish. Mozambique is going to be an emotional time for me I already know. and my family is not going to be there. I hope I don't extend my heart in a way that will cause it to break. I should really sleep. It's 2:30am!

Blessings,
Bethany